Val Gal's blog

The year has gone by so quickly.

When I worked in Continuing Education at Cal State San Bernardino, every year we gave our Dean some kind of obnoxious gift for Christmas.  Sometimes there were parts of the gift that were actually useful, but more times than not, it was just to amuse ourselves and in turn, hopefully amuse him.  One year, we decided to make him a cookbook full of each staff member's favorite recipes.  I just recently found this on my computer and these were a couple of my submissions.

Basic Cooking Dos and Don'ts 

DO:                         Check to make sure you have all ingredients before you start

DON’T:                  Assume baking powder and baking soda are close enough

DO:                         Use toothpicks to check the doneness of a cake

DON’T:                  Stick heat-sensitive fingers into red hot cake

DO:                          Drop cookie dough by rounded teaspoons onto greased cookie sheet

DON’T:                  Use licked fingers to scoop out cookie dough

DO:                         Grease pans with butter or margarine

DON’T:                  Use nose grease

DO:                         Wash cooking utensils in hot, soapy water

DON’T:                  Give them to your dog to clean off

DO:                         Make an entirely new cake if one’s dog happens to sample a taste

DON’T:                  Fill in missing chunk with extra frosting 

DO:                         Accept compliments on your freshly baked bread

DON’T:                  Confess you forgot to wash your hands after you went to the bathroom

DO:                         Use real chocolate chips when baking cookies

DON’T:  S              ubstitute chocolate Ex-Lax

DO:                         Carefully count the number of cups of flour in a recipe

DON’T:                  Lose count and add “one for the bowl”

DO:                         Wear an apron when barbequing

DON’T:                  Barbeque naked

DO:                         Use actual cream for cream-based soups

DON’T:                  Use flour when soup doesn’t automatically get creamy on its own

Mud Pie

Ingredients:

3 C. unsifted backyard dirt

1 C. water from hose

¼ C. fresh grass

10 small rocks

1 C. dried apricot leaves

2 Tbsp. pool water

Filling:

In a dog dish, combine dirt and water.  Mix well with hands.  Add more dirt or water as needed to achieve desired consistency.  Set aside.

Pie Crust:

On the concrete, crush apricot leaves with Big Wheel.  Place crushed leaves in rusty pie tin.  Add 2 tbs. pool water to leaves and mix together until moist.  Press leaf mixture on bottom and sides of pie tin.

Fold mud filling into pie crust.  Pat smooth with hands.  Top pie with grass and rocks.

Feeds 1-2 younger sisters.    

Christmas Day, 2006.  I’ve got the flu…again on Christmas.  How many people actually have the misfortune of being sick on Christmas?  I don’t think I know any.  Somehow, it’s like a magical day when no one is sick.  Except me.  I guess instead of coal, I get the flu.

Now, it’s not like I’m sick every, single Christmas.  Sometimes I vary it a little and I’m sick on New Year’s Eve.  Last year, I was spared and got sick two weeks before Christmas so I was actually ok come Christmas Day.  I started thinking, wow, I really am sick a lot during the month of December.  Hmmm, I wonder why that is?  So let’s review, shall we? 

• Diet – Since approximately Halloween, my meals consist of Starbucks, scones, cookies, dips, chips, fudge, brownies, M&M’s (in various holiday colors mind you), cheeses, crackers, wine, beer, champagne…you’re getting the picture.  I’m not sure I’ve actually had a well-balanced meal since early November.  Some nights I only had cookie dough or frosting for dinner.  Brilliant.
• Exercise – Please.
• Sleep – Not so much.  4-5 hours a night is my norm.  The hours after I get home from work are typically spent cleaning up something, baking for some upcoming holiday party, searching online for gift ideas, then more baking, wrapping presents, etc.

Yeah, I have no idea why I’m always sick in December.  Must be the change in the weather.

For my sister, Keri

(Please sing to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

Oh, you better not laugh,

You better get out,

These f**ckin’ presents,

Didn’t turn out,

Christmas Cookies are mocking me now.

The ingredients list,

I checked it twice,

I swear to God,

I added allspice.

Christmas Cookies are mocking me now.

This should have been a snowman,

Snowman

 This should have been a bell,

Bell

This cookie blob is NOT a star,

Star

 So Betty, what the hell?

Oh, you better not laugh,

You better get out,

These f**ckin’ presents,

Didn’t turn out,

Christmas Cookies are mocking me now.

(But, on a side note, they taste fabulous.)

I think it should be a rule that everyone that enters a Starbucks, Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, Julian’s or wherever they go to get their caffeine fix, be asked one simple question,  “What’s the name of that really strong coffee that is served in small quantities?”  If they answer “expresso” a metal door shall slam down in front of them forever denying them their 800-calorie coffee treat.

It is espresso.  See, no “x” in there.  Say it with me: essssssssssspresso.  Look how easy that was.  People that drink it everyday should know how to say it.  I hear it mispronounced at least once a day.  Joy of joys I got to hear it mispronounced twice this morning. 

Customer: Boy I sure need my extra shot of expresso this morning.

Barista:  Yeah, I wouldn’t want to forget your expresso.

Me:  No no no no no!

That and “supposably.”  I wonder how many people said that until that particular Friends episode aired.  If someone ever utters the sentence, “Supposably they put an extra shot of expresso in my drink” my head is going to freakin’ explode.

Ok, so I went to Chicago last week.  Yes, it was hot.  Yes, it was humid.  Yes, I drank a lot to combat both.  On Sunday we went to a Cubbies game, and they actually won which made it even better.  Apparently both before and after the game, the big place to go is The Cubby Bear.  So we made our way there and after a few beers my friend Jon said he was going to the bathroom and then grab us a few more beers.  The line at the bar was a little long so it was going to be a few minutes before he got back leaving me standing there...alone.

So I'm looking around people watching etc. and I begin to notice a group of three guys (more like middle-aged men) looking over at me, then huddling and then looking over at me some more.  Uh oh.  This isn't going to be good.  Sure enough one of them breaks free and begins staggering over to me.  So this is our exchange:

Drunk Cubbies Guy (DCG): How's it going?

Me: Fine

DCG: Why are you being so quiet?

Me: Ummm, I don't know. Am I supposed to be talking to the post here?

DCG: Are you part of the ESI Reunion?

Me: I don't know what that is.  I'm visiting from California.

DCG: Ok, so can I ask you something but you can't get mad.

Me: Ok.  This will be interesting.  Go ahead and ask.

DCG: My friends bet me $20 that I can't make out with you.

Me: Ummm, yeah that isn't going to happen.

DCG:  Really?  (And actually had the nerve to act a little surprised I said no).

Me:  Yeah, really.  I'm with someone.  I'm sure you can find another girl around here to win that $20 bucks.

DCG:  So no huh?  (And just keeps standing there (or swaying there if you prefer) )

Me:  Yeah, it's not going to happen.  But hey thanks, you've given me a great story to tell my friends.

DCG:  Staggers back to group of friends.

So of course as soon as Jon gets back I proceed to point out DCG and tell the story.  Then we laugh and we laugh.

I thought this would make a great first post.